In Pursuit of Excellence

Peak performance has been one of my obsessions. I’ve read the books, listened to the podcasts, and dissected every framework that promised a path to mastery. But in the beginning of my career, all of it was wasted motion. I was studying trading psychology before I even knew how to trade—a bit like sharpening a knife before knowing how to hold it.

It wasn’t until 2022, my first truly hard market, that things clicked. PNL didn’t come easy anymore. I had to be sharper, better prepared, more disciplined. I doubled down on everything—sleep, workouts, prep routines, write-ups—all in the pursuit of excellence. It worked: back-to-back top ten years, more PNL than I thought possible. I became a machine.

But machines burn out. By the summer of 2024—and again this summer—I started to ask harder questions. What’s all this for? Why make money I never enjoy? Why grind endlessly if I can’t disconnect? I’d go on vacation and still sneak in trades like some Robinhood addict on a cruise ship, knowing it was irrational but doing it anyway.

This year, the market went from craziest in years to deadest in years. Six weeks of low opportunity, and yet I’ve kept the same effort. Rational? Probably not. Why run at 10/10 when the market’s at 2/10? Why simmer at a constant 6 when the best traders idle at 1 most of the time, then flip to 10 when it matters?

I don’t have the answer yet. For so long, my edge has been built on constant presence, waiting for the story, chasing the dopamine of action. But the past fades quickly in trading—three days in April eclipsed last year’s earnings, and I can’t even remember what that felt like.

So here I am, asking myself new questions. Why work so hard constantly when it might be more rational to be sporadic? How do I implement that shift? What’s the right move?

I don’t know. But I know I want to figure it out.

My thesis is that investing more time in figuring out how to balance and focus my energy would help. Balance in terms of taking time off, doing things that interest me, and being guilt free about it would give me more energy when I do decide to work. Focus in terms of asking myself where is my natural curiosity right now? I need to cultivate presence to alleviate the chains of habit and obligation to my “peak performance” routines. Presence to detect my true inclinations and desires. To listen to my natural curiosity and be present with my energy levels to maintain longevity.